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reacting
June 2009 
OOPS ~ I did it again
Posted on Oct 4th, 2008
by 
ayla
ayla
When old patterns get old. When you know they are old. When you continue on with them anyway. I keep wanting to blog - to whine - to complain - and haven't until now, reluctant to be a complainer, a whiner, a less-than-enlightened nice person,, even though blogging this crap somehow releases the tension. If anyone responds they might tell me more peaceful ways to handle this situation. I will know that they are right. And then next time? Will I ever, ever, ever stop this ridiculous pattern of reacting?
Yeah. Robin (Brad's ex) again. Simple little thing. Amanda broke her arm, the hospital billing department called to say that a coordination of benefits form needed to be filled out from Robin's insurance company. I know that Robin doesn't answer the phone for me so I text her -"hospital called, need coordination of benefits form filled, did you get it and do you need help with the dates?" We informed her when Amanda broke her arm but I doubted that she would remember the dates or even how it happened. No response. With the whole Hippa thing, I knew that no one @ her insurance company would talk to me, so the next day I thought, why not have the hospital give her a jingle if she doesn't want to talk to me (Brad was at work, very important Big-Wig Quarterly Assessment going). So, the lady from the hospital calls me back and informed me that Robin said she did receive the form, that she wasn't going to fill it out, to send us the bill and we could pay it or take her to court or whatever it is we decided we wanted to do.
I blew a gasket. Exact response she wanted.
ERRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
It got ugly. Now we just hate one another even more. I'm blogging this to go back and read next time she pushes my buttons. To remind myself that reacting never, ever works with her. Trying to be reasonable, never, ever works with her. Just shut-up and put-up Michelle. Shrug it off, woman!
Yeah. Robin (Brad's ex) again. Simple little thing. Amanda broke her arm, the hospital billing department called to say that a coordination of benefits form needed to be filled out from Robin's insurance company. I know that Robin doesn't answer the phone for me so I text her -"hospital called, need coordination of benefits form filled, did you get it and do you need help with the dates?" We informed her when Amanda broke her arm but I doubted that she would remember the dates or even how it happened. No response. With the whole Hippa thing, I knew that no one @ her insurance company would talk to me, so the next day I thought, why not have the hospital give her a jingle if she doesn't want to talk to me (Brad was at work, very important Big-Wig Quarterly Assessment going). So, the lady from the hospital calls me back and informed me that Robin said she did receive the form, that she wasn't going to fill it out, to send us the bill and we could pay it or take her to court or whatever it is we decided we wanted to do.
I blew a gasket. Exact response she wanted.
ERRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
It got ugly. Now we just hate one another even more. I'm blogging this to go back and read next time she pushes my buttons. To remind myself that reacting never, ever works with her. Trying to be reasonable, never, ever works with her. Just shut-up and put-up Michelle. Shrug it off, woman!
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I love you!
Ruth
(How's that for a “wise and insightful” comment?)
I love you, too!
There are some things you can't beat. (Let's beg and pray that Sarah Palin doesn't turn out being one of them! ;)
I have no idea how to handle this any differently, babe, sorry. The only thing I can think of is finding the place in you where you can feel her, where you connect with why she does this, feel her pain, her lonelyness, her fear. And send her love. (Big hearts get big challenges, I suppose…)
I know, sounds good when someone completely uninvolved says it from the other side of the planet. Sorry.
But I'm sending YOU love, hope that helps a bit!
:)
gg
awww, my lovely friends, I love you too! Thank you! I've tried going to that place in the past and even found it and then I felt completely foolish after getting trampled into the ground about a dozen more times! LOL! I guess I have to find that place where I don't feel trampled upon.
The love does help. Thank you again.
Yur friend sounds like my ex - This is a link that helped me. I found it on a web site called “My trip to OZ and back”.
Does Amanda talk to her?
I love you too. but don't tell Brad. j
I think she is a total wack job (Borderline Personality Disorder). What mother wouldn't help pay for the medical bills of her child when she is capable of doing so??? That absolutely sucks and goes beyond her relationship with you! I'll be over to help ya scratch out her eye balls, K?
Yes, spare yourself the agony and just go beat yourself next time! (NOT REALLY!)
I hope Amanda doesn't know about this shit … she doesn't need to know it at this point in her life. however, I'm sure she has figured most of this out already.
and yeah I love you too … ;-)
Oh Ayla lots of love to you from over here too.
I just had one of 'those' experiences this week too.. must be something in the air. My ex does just the same stuff, nothing borderline about their personality disorders if you ask me!!
I've tried all the responses too.. blown myself all out of gasket.. found deep understanding so I can get trampled on more.. and everything in between. It's been 14 years so I've had time to refine the options!
Blessed be if this time I didn't manage to talk to just the right wise woman at the health food store who stopped me taking any more weight on my shoulders about it.
It's HER story hon.. not yours.
I know it's a whole different kettle of poisson in the States… but ultimately the courts were evolved to handle this shit, when it gets too hairy for the individuals and the wider community (ie courts) can hold space to sort it out.
Take her to court and have done!!
And when you come to expect it from them.. it can even make you giggle - though it helps if you like your humour a bit black ;)
Love you x
ps. Houdini keeps appearing in the window in my dreams.. posters up all over… calling to him :)
WTF?
I have three ex husbands and two of them are fathers to my kids. I even had them in my home over the holidays, put them and their new wives up in my homes. Why cannot people just f-ing get along? She sounds like an uber-bitch. And all of this shows the kid how to behave with others. she is selfish and a spolied brat andneeds to “get a life”…Sorry, but this shit does not fly with me. People filled with hate that canot forgive are only hurting themselves, but also bring along the kids in the game. True buttheads.
:)
Joe ~ thank you for the link. I've read so much about BPD but that article is really excellent. Amazing how point-on it is! I already feel another “softening” because of the child aspect, something I hadn't thought of. It's okay if you love me, Brad is a big Teddy Bear. I love you too.
Peri ~She manipulated the judge (somehow) into paying zero child support. Refuses to pay her small share of medical bills. And yes, just wants to make things harder for us. She thrives on that. Amanda does know too much and that's an area that I'm constantly striving to improve. Most of the time I'm trying to make up some kind of excuse for Robin even though she hasn't seen these kids for a year and a half and pretends they don't exist at holidays, birthdays, etc. I tell them that she does love them when they say that she doesn't. I tell them not to say that they hate her. I try to explain that she just isn't thinking properly right now. But when I get mad, I don't protect them as much as I need to. Another reason for my guilt. BTW - do you have long fingernails? ;0)
Lynx/Houdini ~ yes, yes, to the humor. I've managed to giggle since blogging, honest. I just need to giggle sooner rather than later, right? The courts? You're kidding! We've put out over $40K and I try, try, try to avoid court at all costs. My hubby is 6'2”, 270pds, she's 4'nothing, 90 pds soaking wet and a wonderful, articulate actress. We pretty much tend to lose in court. The only reason we have custody of the kids is because she didn't fight for them, she just gave them up last time. She lives with a man who has (twice!) been convicted of raping a child under 18 and who was also in prison on felony charges for trafficking marijuana, cocaine & heroin and the judge still gave her visitation. We had a lawyer, she was Pro Se! I should just be happy that she doesn't exercise her visitation rights! (talk about projection, Joe, she left a message about child abuse, telling Brad that I was abusing the children mentally because I have a mental problem). Wanta hear a good giggle? Lastnight I was texting with my boys and about twenty minutes later Brad got a text from her saying that his dog sent her a text msg, put it on a shorter leash. We were stumped until I looked over my “sents” and one of them to Zach got sent to her by accident (i have her on the end of my phone list in my cell by putting a “z” in front of it) - it said “how's my darling little baby doing?” (my grandson) ha!
Aley ~ I had the same kind of relationship with my children's father. We still did holidays together. When I moved to Idaho we talked every Sunday and ended every phone call with “I love you”. He died in my arms, two years ago, Nov. 4th. So I am well aware that it doesn't have to be this way. It shouldn't be this way. Just another reason to know why I love you so much, you understand that. Plenty of people don't.
Thank you everyone. Your anger on my behalf let's me know that I'm loved. Your words help me to be a better person. I'm gonna do better next time, I promise.
Love, Ayla
Hang in there, ok ?
Every time she gets to you, think about the fact that you know what it is all about and that is a sort of strengh that is very important. How to deal with her ? Just follow your intuition.
Oh, Ayla!
I have lived this - Sylvia, mother of A's twins used those girls mercilessly - anything either to wrap him in her tangled web or hurt him. There is absolutely no winning with a person like that, so what do you do? It's a power struggle that hurts almost everyone involved except she doesn't see how she's hurting herself.
You are a saint for defending her to her children, and for taking such good care of them. I know it continues to hurt them, but the bedst way for you to deal with her is to never give her the power. If it were me, I probably would take her back to court, and use this last episode as evidence that she is not living up to her responsibility as a parent.
Short of that, just don't expect anything of her and don't ask her for anything. That way, if she does do the right thing occasionally, it's an added bonus for the kids.
Not good advice, but it's my best advice in this type of situation.
Love you,
Andrea
Elke & Andrea, Thank you for your words of wisdom. I'm making note of this one in the “contact with R” journal and then shrugging it off for now. One thing I know for sure is that the judge we will see is getting sick of her, she's very litigious, not just with us, and it will bode better for us if she takes us back rather than the other way around. We had a peaceful day yesterday and that's just what the Dr. ordered.
Love, Love, & More Love