Dealing With The Illness of One Beloved

Nichole came into my life when she was 18 months old.  Her mother, Tina, became my forever best friend, and she shared Nichole so willingly with me ~ me, the thwarted woman who wanted a daughter badly but gave birth to beautiful boy after beautiful boy (three gorgeous stinky boys) ~ that she became almost as much mine as she was Tina's. 

Nichole would not be called Nikki so it was Coley, or if I wanted to make her grin, Nicholette.  Baby, pretty girl, sassy, smarty-pants, lovey-dovey, pumpkin, sweet pea . . . .  All of those things.  She was such a bright little girl and spoiled rotten!  And mean!  Man, my son Derek still has a little tiny bald spot from her pulling his hair out all of the time.   She would pull handfuls out and then scream, grossed out by the handful of white hair in her hand.  Derek, a year and a half younger, followed her around and acquiesced to her every command.  Tina and I always joked that they would have to get married because no one else would ever put up with her bossy ways.  Derek did get pissed off enough to fight back one day, though, and bit her cheek, hard.  I can't say that it taught Nichole any kind of a lesson but Derek did start biting anyone who even dared to get in his way after that.  That became a tough bad habit  for me to break because he had found his power at last! 

Coley got sick shortly after she turned thirteen years old.  There she was, in full bloom (and I do mean full bloom - for god's sakes when did 13 year old's start looking like that?), beautiful and still full of sass.  Then she started to have weird swollen nodules all over her head.  Terrible pain in her legs, pain that made her scream.  Thrush in her mouth.  We were terrified and the doctors wanted to send her for a psychiatric exam because they couldn't find anything wrong.  Finally, the diagnosis, systematic Lupus. 

I've read more literature on Lupus than you could possibly imagine.  Whereas Lupus isn't good, I have known many people with this disease that are able to carry on with life for the most part.  Not so for Nichole.  She's had a very rough ride for the last thirteen years.  A normal day is very abnormal for her. 

And now, at 26 years old, she is in the hospital on a ventilator.  I don't know what is going to happen.  Is she going to die?  Is she going to survive?  God, how is Tina?  Nichole is her baby, her life.  She has wrapped herself around Nichole, caring for her and nursing her and getting her through every crisis for thirteen years.  A single parent living a life that I can only imagine.  I hated it when my boys had a bad cold, worried myself silly.  I cried when they needed stitches and they stayed calm in order to comfort me "It will be okay, Mom, don't cry."  (geesh)  I can't get Tina to return a single call, she is at Nichole's bedside, as is Nichole's husband, Jason, her high school sweetheart (she has been blessed with that part of life, their relationship is so beautiful). 

I'm grappling with the issue of what is going to happen when Nichole dies.  I saw her in December of last year and realized then that her life here on earth was probably going to come to an end soon.  I cried  and cried after our visit.  I, of course, am not good with her dying.  On the other hand, I am not good with her suffering.  I can deal with seeing Nichole off to the arms of the angels.  I can.  Somehow.  But what about Tina and Jason?   What about my  best friend Tina, how in God's name is she going to do it?  I cannot fathom it.  We live 2500 miles apart, me in Idaho, Tina in Florida.  I feel like I'll need to go live with her for awhile but that would be impossible with my situation here at home.  I have Mandi & Ryan to care for.

If you are reading this, I ask you to pray for whatever the higher good is.  Is that Nichole's healing or Nichole's release?  I don't know anymore.  Pray for Tina and Jason.  My heart is breaking into a million pieces.  I know that Nichole might come out of this crisis and I want her to ( Oh God how I want her to) but how much more can her poor body take? 

I'll be leaving for Florida on Friday.  It was supposed to be a vacation with my sons, but God has a mysterious way of putting us where we need to be, doesn't he?