I'm back!  I want to go back to sunny warm Florida!  My hubby is lucky I love him so much or I would never come back to Idaho.  I never realize just how much I miss Florida until I am there.

I had so much fun and it was so wonderful being with two of my boys under the same roof.  If Zachary could have made it the circle would have been complete but it was still lovely. 




We went to Tampa Improv on Saturday and saw Ralphie May.  He was so funny that my jaw actually hurt from laughing.  We were in the front row and of course I got nailed.  Always.  I probably had one too many beers (two is my limit and I had four!) (I'm a lightweight) and while I was laughing and waving my arms around I knocked my beer over.  It started foaming so I was trying to drink it quickly and suddenly I hear "Suck it . . . ooooh yeah, suck it"  I just thought "Oh God, please, please don't let him be talking to me!"  I looked up and he's looking straight at me "Suck it.  Oooooh those damn servers shook it up!"  He starts rubbing all over his chest and saying "Oh Michelob Light . . . I love Michelob Light " or something - I wasn't listening very close right then because I was trying to hide behind my son. Other than that embarrassment, it was the most fun I've had in a very long while.  I love Ralphie because he made my boys laugh the night their father died.  They were in the back bedroom watching T.V. just howling with laughter and I couldn't believe they were laughing until I started watching and laughing along with them.  I'll always have a soft spot for this guy.  I would post the picture of me with Ralphie but I look horrible in the picture I have.  Yeah, too many Mich's.

Busch Gardens on Sunday.  Then the rest of the week was just toodling around, eating out, the beach, visiting friends, hanging out with the boys.  Derek's girlfriend has the most darling little girl, Jazmyn.  She's beautiful.  She's also a spoiled monster.  Bless her heart.  Slightly nerve-wracking being around a toddler that cries and screams a lot.  Jesse about lost his mind.  He would actually have to leave the house.  He says he's never having kids.  Yeah, we'll see!

My girlfriend, Beth, has a daughter, Brooke, who has bloomed in my absence.  She grew boobies and likes to show them off.  I kept trying to get her to cover up and she would say "No way, I like them.  Aren't they great?"  I can remember when she was about three and we were at the beach.  She was sitting on Jim's lap and pinched his nipples, telling him in all seriousness how sorry she felt for him that he was never going to have titties but when she grew up she was going to have them.  And she does!  She had the hots for Derek.  Just really weird when you remember a little girl and find a young woman in her place.  She's still a cuddle-puss though and practically sat in my lap the whole time we were together.  Still my Brookie. 
I didn't get to see Nichole.  She apparently has nothing left of her immune system from some medicine she is (or was?) on to save her kidneys from a lupus attack.  She was still in the hospital the last I heard but off the ventilator.  No visitors allowed. Tina didn't want us to come because Coley just can't be exposed to anything right now so we couldn't really even go in the house that she will be returning to (hopefully she's home now).  I didn't even get to talk to Tina very long so I'm still not exactly sure what is happening and didn't want to keep bothering her.  I'm sad about not seeing them but feel hopeful that Nichole is at least going to come through this particularly horrific illness with her lungs. 

All in all, a great vacation.  It was nice to be out in the "real" world and surrounded by flesh and blood friends and family.  It wasn't just nice, it was fabulous! 

You know, I might do some pissing and moaning, and I might know of a million things that I would like to change, but the first answer that popped into my head was "This one".


Sing it Louis!

Mother's, like the individuals they are, vary wildly.  We have the storybook Mom's, the one every kid longs for but few have.  We have the evil step-mother in the storybooks, as well.  A terrible set-up for so many of us who are living in blended families!  I used to sign my notes and cards Love, Your StepMonster and it would make Ryan and Amanda giggle.  It never stuck, though.  They call me Mama. 

And then we have real-life Mom's:

My mother wasn't overly maternal.  When my own mothering days began, I found myself looking back with a bit of horror at her lack of maternal instincts.  I wondered how I had ever managed to survive.  I, on the other hand, was the freakily over-protective Mom and, hindsight being 20/20, realize that probably wasn't the best approach either.  Middle-of-the-road would have sufficed and probably have been a better choice, both for my own sanity and that of my coddled children.  I probably instilled too many of my own fears onto and into them.  I don't kick myself too hard though.  I did the best I could.  My parenting came from a place of love.  My main goal was to make sure that they knew I loved them every single day of their lives.  I used to think my Mom hated me.  I never wanted that for my boys.  I believe that I succeeded in achieving that goal, regardless of other mistakes. All I really know is that my three sons, Derek, Zachary & Jesse, are the biggest joys of my life and that I cannot imagine having lived a full life without them. 


My own relationship with my Mother has grown into a friendship over the last five or six years.  It has been very healing for me to realize that she does love me and that she always did.  I don't know why we misunderstood one another for so long.  She thought I didn't love her and I thought she didn't love me.  It took me forever to ground into her that I adore her, that I would lay down and die for her.  She believes me now.  I had to come to accept her way of loving me a little more on my own.  She said to me once, "You always say I hated you."  I answered, "Well, you did, didn't you?"  Her reply, "Oh for God's sakes, who had time to love you."  Well, that hurt.  But knowing my Mom and knowing who she is, I had to read between the lines after I let the hurt go.  She was telling me that she did love me, she was just so crazed that she didn't take the "time" to show it.  I know this in my heart.  When she had a health scare last year she wanted to use a credit card to take my big brother and I to New York to my little brother's house so we could all be together and have an incredible vacation together, all three of her children together again with her at last.  The health scare passed and the fear of running up credit debt returned her to being "sensible" so we didn't do it.  I think we should do it soon, without a health crisis, and need to talk to my brother's about it.  (funny how writing brings out good ideas that should have been there before).  I love my Mom.

Then there is Brad's Mom, my mother-in-law, Janet.  This woman is a peach.  She's so fricking amazing.  She is the mother in those story books, except she doesn't like to cook.   I love her silly.  And she loves me.  Forget all about those horrific mother-in-law stories! (unless you have your own, of course.  I realize I lucked out.)

And now I have these two young charges, Amanda and Ryan, who haven't had an overnight visit with their Mom in over a year.  The last time they spent the day with her was on Mother's Day of last year.  I cannot fathom how she is managing to go on without them.  I'm half afraid that she'll show up on our doorstep this morning because she does have the right to take them for the day on Mother's Day.  (pray she doesn't, they'll freak out) They say that I am their Mother and that they hate her but I know that the hate is really hurt, fear.  What will be going through their young minds today?  Well, as always, all I can do is love them and reassure them that I will never, ever leave them.  That they are precious and that they are lovable.  That the problem is with their Mom and not with them. 

It's spring.  It's warm - no, it's hot!  I should be oh-so-happy!  Instead, I have the blues.  I can't quite put my finger on why.  I feel lonely.  I feel homesick.  Mandi asked me how I could be homesick when I was home.  Idaho has never felt like home.  But I'm not sure where I'm homesick for . . . Michigan or Florida?  Mom or Derek?  Both.  I hate not having my kids living with me anymore.  Am I ever going to get over their growing up?  And I didn't get to see Brad enough on his last R&R so I'm missing him more than usual as well.  Blah.

tomatoes, green peppers, green onions, sweet onions, yellow wax beans, green beans, eggplant, carrots, butternut squash, acorn squash, watermelon, beets, cantaloupe, cauliflower, pumpkins, broccoli, lettuce, peas, banana peppers, hot peppers, zucchini, yellow squash, strawberries, raspberries, petunias, pansies, wild flowers, five plants I bought on sale last fall and I have no idea what they are but they are growing . . . I know I've missed something . .. oh, a sunburn & blisters!

I'm really too tired to be on the computer, let alone blog, but I just had to make mention of my moment of bliss today.  I've been working my behind off in the garden and in the yard.  It's a very uncooperative yard.  Grass grows where I don't want it to, for example in my flower beds and strawberry garden, and yet the only thing that will grow on the huge lawn seems to be goat heads (otherwise known as sandspurs in other parts of the country) (why does Idaho have weird names for everything).  Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....so there I was sore, and hot, and filthy and on my way to try to unearth my strawberry plants from the grass and weeds yet again.  As I passed under the apple tree I could smell the lilac bushes that are just starting to bloom, as well as the apple blossoms and was delighted to hear what sounded like a million bees buzzing.  I stopped for a minute and it was like something out of a fairy tale.  I had all of these delicious smells and sounds and white pedals falling down on me like warm white snow.  I just stood there, enchanted.  Don't tell anyone, but then I closed my eyes, spread my arms, and twirled!  I was The Little Princess in The Secret Garden.