I know life has it's ups and downs, truly, I know that.  But why does it have to go so far down when it goes down?  I don't understand.  I must have done something wrong somewhere along the line.  So, I have a penchant for marrying men who like to try to play @ tax evasion.  My first husband, father of my children, hadn't paid taxes for - oh, about 8 years when we got married.  I got him straightened out and actually quite easily.  We just started paying taxes and no one ever went after him for the years before.  Self-employed contractor with a lot of cash payments helped that situation out.  Now on to this husband, whom I adore.  Works in Alaska but we live in Idaho.  He doesn't make a penny here.  He's in Alaska more than Idaho.  But guess what?  He was still supposed to pay Idaho taxes.  So we just got hit with a $42K Idaho Tax bill.  Bad enough but they put a lein on everything we own, i.e. we don't own anything anymore.  They just swept my checking account, every penny to our names, gone.  Probably Brad's checks next.  They take everything!  No way to pay bills, no way to buy groceries, no way to anything.  Yes, we have a tax lawyer working on it.  For some of the years that they are charging him he didn't even live in Idaho.  But I have a feeling I won't have internet connection for much longer as I won't have any money to pay the bills.  The kids and I are actually eating out of the garden to stay fed at the moment.  Not sure what we'll do about dog food.  Maybe that shitty lamb I bought last year that tastes more like mutton.  Lucky dogs. 

I see the happiness and the love flowing from my friends Portland trip and I feel like I missed out on something so important.  I don't want to be envious but I am.  I'm lonely and haven't had an email or anything for forever.  No one comments on my writing at D.D., a place that was kind of my lifeline for awhile.  Probably my writing is shit too. 

Was gonna have a garage sale this weekend to get some grocery money up but low-and-behold it's gonna rain.  It never rains here. 

This blog sucks.  I suck.  My life sucks.  Miss Happy Face Ayla is Gone.

Friends, Darlings, Angels ~

My biggest response is "WOW".  Next is I love each of you with all of my heart and soul.  Next is "WOW".

I want to give you all the update so you won't worry if I'm feeding the kids or not.  I slipped Brad's (husband) direct deposit out at 9:00a.m. before the account was swept yesterday.  I'm not sure that I'm supposed to be able to do that, but I did.  We will not be having direct deposit's anymore, obviously.  I'm aware that they can garnish/levy the paychecks as well but we do have lawyers working on that and trying to set up some kind of payment plan until they have the accounting finished and can possibly get the amount owed reduced (it really is more than we owe as Brad didn't even live in Idaho for some of those years!) and the penalties dismissed/forgiven.  So fingers crossed and prayers that they accept a payment plan - they want $1500 a month and we are offering $1000 a month.  That's a lot but with plenty of budgeting and cutting back we can somehow manage it.  The lawyers fees are another bunch of money but what are you going to do?  

Okay, that's the most important practical stuff to alleviate your worries about my immediate situation.  Now on to the really important stuff.

I never in a million years thought anyone would even read my blog let alone respond.  I don't even get g-mails anymore.  LOL!  I know that Gaia is slow, it's summer, etc.  I haven't been very active myself.  I know that, I knew that, but I was feeling lonely and sad and then frantic and freaked and alone. 

The response from all of you has been so overwhelming.  I was walking around crying because I didn't know what else to do and now I'm walking around crying because I am so filled with joy and love that I can't contain it all. 

Thank you for your offers of financial help.  My pride demands that I never have to accept it (lord, forgive me, I know pride cometh before a fall - - - somehow I hope that means I'm just gonna trip and skin my knee or something minor like that) but you cannot know how much the offers lifted my spirits.  And should I need to accept help, I will let you know, pride be damned. 

Most of all, thank you for reminding me that you love me.  That you care about me.  That you think about me.  ("You like me!  You really, really like me!"  ;0)  )  I was the girl that everyone hated in middle school and high school.  I never really understood it and I never really shook the feeling completely.  It feels as though it has lifted - finally!  What a gift. 

I will make it through this.  I will.  With all of the love lifting me up, how could I not?  Not only that, but I will do it with eyes wide open, remembering to enjoy the beauty of the day, not just wait for it all to get better.  I may slip, but if I do, I'll come back and read the comments on my blog entitled "Everything has gone to shit" and I'll gladly eat a little crow pie.

Paul, it sounds like you sent out the amber alert - thank you.  May God Bless you always.

Jim (Rumi), you were my first rescuer.  Thank you.

Aley, you already know how much your words and your email meant to me, but thank thank thank you.

Peri, my good dear friend, what a doll you are.  I love you.

Centria - you understood me so completely and lifted my spirits by letting me know that I am not alone.  Blessing always and all of my love.

Doug the Darling of PlayPod.  Love You.  Thank you.

Morning Star - keep sending that positive energy.  Am reading posts and sharing the joy. 

Paul again ~ Angel Ayla, I'm sending the brightest light available to my consciousness.  Know in your mind's eye that everything will evolve to your highest possible good; trust, act, and most importantly, believe!  - am typing this out and putting it in my pocket, thank you dearest

Winnie - Oh how I love you.  Soul sister.  Angel of light.  I accept your prayers and send out mine to you many, many times a day. 

Sandra, my mentor, woman that I admire and love.  Thank you.  May the sunshine on you for at least a full week, no rain!

Haelen, I'll take whatever pick-me-ups you have to offer.  Thank you so much. 

Leigh-Anne - Thank you for always being a part of my daily life.  I see your face at D.D., I read your wonderful writing, and I know your kindness and love mixed in with wonderful practicality.  Thank you for being here for me.  I love you.

Sherri - thank you for dropping in with words of encouragement, they are much appreciated.

Zipperupus - man of the delightful name, thank you for your sweetness.  Awww.  Good advice, as well - write, write, write.  Blowing heart shaped bubbles your way.

Lorianne - that's going in my pocket as well.  Thank you, angel.

Ananda - your post made me feel so good.  All the Reiki in the world is accepted with an open heart.  Blessings and bows of gratitude.

Ladybear, my long time friend . . . from the bottom of my heart, I love you.  You're always here for me and forgive me for forgetting.  Love, love, and more love.

PeaceSeeker - up up and away!  thank you ;0)

Julie - thank you for the practical advice, blessings

Joe - funny guy - you're one of my favorites as well.  Of course, everyone loves Joe!  How could we not?  Thank you, honey.

Dave - may blessings pour down upon your in-laws.  Thank you for your encouragement.

If I missed anyone - I hug you, I love you, I thank you. 

So, Mandi broke and displaced her humorous bone on her right arm about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  It wasn't funny.  Well, kinda.  She was doing a round off (sort of cartwheel for those of you not up to snuff on cheerleading flips).  No, it wasn't funny.  She was on wet grass and all we can figure is that she slipped, planted her arm wrong. . . I mean, how do you break your arm doing a round off?  Unless they fibbed to me.  There is a trampoline at the neighbors and hmmmm, they know how I feel about trampolines - dangerous!  Isn't that odd, I haven't been suspicious until this very moment. 

Anywhoooo, they took her splint off today and she has to start using it and go to physical therapy.  I guess it'll freeze up otherwise.  She's scared to death to use it and I don't blame her!  Look @ these pictures ~

Well friends, loved ones, it looks as though there is light at the end of the tunnel!  The state has agreed to monthly payments (rather large payments, might I add) and this means no more levy's or garnishments, or at least not for the next 12 months.  I guess at that time we need to do a review.  So, clapping hands!  Not jumping up and down for joy because it's going to mean a rather drastic change in our finances but you know what?  That's okay.  It should be do-able and having your accounts swept of all money - well that is definitely not do-able! 

I want to thank all of you for being here for me.  It would have been so much worse for me not to have so much and support poured out in such a lovely and unexpected way.  For those of you who sent money - what do I say that I haven't already said?  Words are just not enough to express the gratitude.  Paul/Heemes, you not only jumped in to help me out but you also taught me some very valuable lessons about humility and acceptance.  Nono - woman, you rock!  Sandra - yeah, you rock too!  MamaKat- you're just always there for me and you know I love you.  If anyone reading this hasn't checked out MamaKat's newest pod all about helping people please do @  The Cup of Joe Project .  Tom, you're a weiner.  An Angel Weiner.  A marvelous funny generous weiner.  ALL of you that jumped in with words of encouragement and kindness- you all rock!  This community and the love it contains makes it possible to believe in a better world.  The world that I know is there but that I sometimes forget exists with all of the daily bull*%*@,

I talked to Jenni on the phone today.  We have been playing phone tag for about six months now and we finally connected.  I have to tell you, it was marvelous.  How odd it somehow seems to love someone so much that I've never met in person, never even talked to in person until today.  But I just do.  And I feel the same way about so many of you.  (no worries, Jens, you're still my BOFF!)

I feel good.  I've been out digging around in the garden and finally harvesting the fruits of my labor . . . which of course leads to more labor - lol - try canning on a 100 degree day - but this is what all that work was for.  The cattle didn't even get it this year (although they did get my neighbors).  If anyone needs zucchini, squash (yellow, butternut & acorn), green beans, tomatoes, eggplant, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe . . . well, wow, I have tons!  Oh & green & hot peppers as well.  Oh & carrots.  Pumpkins will be ready in October.  Pears . . . maybe in two weeks, three?  Worms got the apples.

Just when I think everything is going to be okay.  So many things blowing apart that I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or scream.  I laugh and cry and refrain from screaming so I don't scare the kids.  Okay, God, I give.  On my knees. 

I laugh hysterically when I get carded and offer my glasses to the person carding me.

I talk, I laugh, I cry, I write, I read, I hug my Pooh, I pet my dog(s), I ask my husband for a cuddle, I go sit in my hammock chair under a tree.  I listen to this song  . . . I can't believe I like this song, actually.  The first time I heard my daughter listening to it I asked her " What in God's name is that?"  After she kept playing it and playing it, it started growing on me.  It's ridiculous and funny and senseless and beautiful and the music makes me bounce around.

Mandi & Ryan are in middle school and their school has adopted a uniform policy this year.  I, personally, am thrilled senseless.  It's so easy!  I may still hear about Mandi's hair not behaving properly in the morning but I'm not going to hear about nothing matching, she has nothing to wear etc. etc. etc.  She won't be trying to make me feel badly about the fact that she doesn't have clothes from Hollister and Abercrombie (like all of her friends!).  I won't be sending her back to her room to find a top that doesn't show cleavage.  Ryan never was too tough to deal with as long as I kept his clothes decently trendy but he did  have a little trouble matching up some mornings.  That's gone now. 

The controversy and out-cry about uniforms stumps me a little bit.  I've heard that it's against the law, against the constitution, that it will take away our children's individuality,  and that it's more expensive. 

Individuality ~ My children want to wear what their friends are wearing and what the commercials, magazines, and T.V. shows are telling them they should wear if they want to be "in", be "cool", be "popular".   There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of individuality being expressed.  Even the goths, emo's and wanta-be-gang-bangers wear a type of "uniform".  Mandi has shown a true sense of individuality this year by buying accessories that please her.  She has a whacky sense of style when it comes to bags, purses, necklaces & earrings.  She had a lot of fun concentrating on that with her money while I bought her khaki's & polo shirts (minus the polo insignia or any other identifying mark - they had to be plain which was a bit of a challenge in girls/teens clothes, although the boys were easy & cheap to find).  They can wear whatever shoes they want (an oversight in my opinion) so that also helped her to individualize her look.  She didn't insist on expensive, as a matter of fact we found her four pair of adorable shoes for less than $30 (clearance, clearance, clearance) to round off her uniform & accessories.   We went right back to expensive when it came to Ryan's shoes.  He had to have the expensive trendy skater shoes.  The cost of tennis shoes can be a hair raising experience these days.

More expensive ~ hello, McFly!  I don't think so!  I found Ryan's shirts for between $3.99 and $12.00 each.  Yes!  Mandi's were between $7.99 & 12.99 each.  Yes!  The khaki's & dress pants tended to be cheap for Ryan and a little more spendy for Mandi because she's such a tiny hard-to-find-size, but her jeans are always much more expensive for the same reason (size 0) (if she wasn't my daughter I would have unkind words for her for being so naturally thin)  (and she did go up to size 1  in some brands - fat ass - oh, did I say that?  I didn't mean it).  So, more expensive?  Not in this household!

I watched the kids pour out of the school yesterday, and maybe I'm getting old or something, but they all looked so nice!  There were plenty of colors - pink, yellow, green, gray & white polo's.  (five colors, I know, another oversight imho)  Khaki's, dress black & navy pants.  They didn't look cloned.  They just looked nice.

The law, the constitution ~ yeah, well.  My gf told me that by law if a public school instituted a uniform policy then they had to provide the uniform.  Um hmm.  I had to pay $15 a piece for the kid's gym uniforms.  I've been informed that they both have to have seperate tennis shoes for gym class (2 more pair of shoes to buy!)   I had to pay $2 each for "school something or another" fee.  I had to pay $45 for a home-game-pass for Mandi because she is a cheerleader and has to go to home games. (let's not even talk about the cost of the cheerleading uniform!)  I had to pay $7.50 each for lock deposits.  And on & on.  You get the idea.  And then there were the endless list of school supplies needed.  I'm even expected to provide the teachers with kleenex and dry-eraser pens for their rooms.  This year even included red pens!  WTF?  It's expensive sending your kid to school.  No doubt. I agree.  But the uniform actually eased my burden somewhat this year. 

. . .  now for those highlights Mandi would like put in her hair . . .

I just realized that the whole reason I was getting out the camera and heading out to the garden was to record something that was bringing me joy - even though I was sort of taking myself out of "in this moment" wasn't  I?  So . . . my pictures again - this brings me joy these days



Joey, the German Shepard puppy.  He's getting big, yes?  Val, Ryan's dog, poking his head in brings me more headaches then joy but you know, he's a baby too. 

Seriously.

If anyone read my rant-y blog yesterday (since erased with sincere apologies to the man above) they'll know that I was having a seriously bad day.  I mean, it was Sunday, but I was having a Monday.  I've been having a lot of those lately. 

If that wasn't bad enough, I starting complaining and whining about it.  A lot.  Bitch, bitch, moan, moan.  And things just kept going from bad to worse. 

So, there I was, out in the garden, trying to chill out and get some work done at the same time.  Of course it was blazing hot and not as pleasant as I had imagined it.  Daughter brings me my cell phone with someone on the other end - there is just no escaping it.  It was my husband ,so I'm talking to him, pacing around the garden, and yeah, just unloading all of my terrible woes upon his sweet head.  Next thing I know I stepped on a hoe.  Just like in a cartoon, it whacked me right upside the head.  Hard, too.  I fell to the ground, dropped the phone, put my hand to my throbbing temple and just felt pretty whoozy and even a bit pukey.  Ryan witnessed God slapping me upside the head and came running.  He didn't even laugh.  Oh, he's such a good boy.  He said "Mama, you're bleeding."  The phone started ringing and I was trying to tell my husband what happened but I was laughing rather hysterically and had to give the phone over to Amanda who was by then gettting me some frozen peas for a rather large bleeding goose-egg.  

Sleeping didn't go well lastnight because every time I rolled over onto my right side, well, pain woke me up.  No biggie, nothing life threatening, just enough pain to wake me up and get me giggling again. 

I swear, God, the Universe, or whatever you would like to call it/him/her literally smacked me upside the head and told me to shut-up yesterday.  Quit'cher whining, girl! 
Got it. 

My big brother had a pretty good day of it, as well.  Any prayers for his well being and strength of spirit would be much appreciated.  Mike.  I found out he is a) getting divorced
 b) losing his house (so that's really b,c,&d - house, wife, kids) e) some apparition in a white tux (it's assumed he was a left-over drunk from a wedding on Saturday night) walking down the highway caused Mike to swerve on his way to a bass tournament and he rolled his truck & bass boat three times.  He's okay, physically (thank you dear lord) but pretty darn depressed.  Loving you, my Mikey. 

I'm sort of a hermit so I don't actually pass by that many people and then when I do find myself out in public I turn into this big chatter box because I haven't spoken to any adults in so long that my social side goes into overdrive and I talk to practically anyone who will listen or pretend to listen.  So . . . hmmmmm . . . oh, geeze, I just happened to think about the last store I went into, at my husband's request, my husband who has been gone for nearly five weeks and will be returning -finally- next week - and well, I'm realizing that this wasn't a good Q & A to respond to.  I even asked the saleslady to please leave me alone (politely and with a bright blush).  Okay.  TMI as my kids would say.  Should I push send?

Oh what the heck.

east


Oh, I guess that may have been a typo (What person that you feel deeply attached to lives furthest away? Where do they live, and how do you maintain your connection? Do you find it east or difficult to stay in touch with someone remote?) Derek, my eldest, lives the very furthest away.  I'm in Idaho and he's in Florida.  We stay in very close contact.  He calls me and texts me often. He still likes to ask my advice about important decisions, sends me pictures (via cell phone) when he buys something new or sees something cool that he wants to share with me.  He calls me when he is bored.  He calls me when he is sad.  He calls me when he is worried.  He calls me when he's really happy.  I don't really call him that often because he calls so regularly  ~ that way I know I'm not being pesky.  If I haven't heard from him in over five days, then I'll give him a call to say "hey" and to make sure that everything is okay.

 He works in Alaska on the pipeline, same company as my husband, so my husband actually gets to see him and give him bear hugs every month.  That makes me a little green eyed with envy but also glad that he can keep a "physical" eye on him. 

I still feel so connected with Derek that I don't feel that "far away" unless I let myself start thinking about touching him and/or looking at him.  There is just something about looking into your child's eyes, caressing their cheeks, running your hands through their hair . . . it's one of life's biggest joys for me. 

Well, now I have a lump in my throat.

Third try.  Freaking internet connection.  As I was saying, this is a sad day at Gaia.  I've been on all morning, trying to find a way to offer a little comfort to many who need comfort today.  I've shed tears and even broke down and sobbed.  So that's enough for today.  I need to stop, give it break.  Garden, bake, go back to bed, maybe a Xanax or two would be in order.  I don't know.  I just know that I love so many of you so much.  And today hurts.

I feel the need to start almost every answer to the Q & A's with ~The answer to this question would really depend on what mood I was in  . . .

I wonder if that is just a woman thing, a me thing, or universal.  Methinks it's universal but I'll admit to being maybe just a tad more mood-oriented than some.  ;0)  Back to the question.

The answer to this question would really depend on what mood I was in, but in general, I do not think of people as strangers.  I think of them as friends relatives that I haven't met yet.  I changed the friends to relatives because, let's be honest, everyone isn't my friend.  One doesn't necessarily have to end up liking a relative, a little love is all I can manage for some people.  And, yes, I sigh with the knowledge that those are people who probably have an awful lot to teach me. 

Now, when that other mood strikes me, I can be ridiculously shy.  When I tell people that I am shy they laugh, think I"m joking.  I"m pretty good at covering it up.  Really, though, sometimes I feel extremely shy.   I guess that's more about how I feel about me than the "stranger" though.  I'm still glad to have them there in my path, even if I meet them with hot ears and little peeks rather than full on eye-to-eye contact.

I think my crying jag is finally finished.   I may even be a bit dehydrated.  Apparently I needed that (again).  Whew.  It was so weird yesterday and everything felt so sad. 

So, I'm counting down the days until Brad gets home.  He will only be home for six days and then he goes back to work for another three week hitch.  After that we get back on the regularly scheduled bullshit schedule of making a living, three weeks gone, three weeks home.  I apologize to the Universe for calling it a bullshit schedule.  I am more deeply grateful for that schedule now than I had ever thought possible.  And Brad, Darling, even though I don't think you read my blogs or even know how to get to them, don't you ever, ever, EVER think of pulling this stunt again. 

God, I miss my man.  I didn't even know that I could miss him this badly.  I want to feel his skin against mine.  I want to smell him, that Brad smell.  (it's yummy)  I want him to drive me nuts asking "Where are you going?" even if I'm just getting up to go pee.  I want to cook him big fabulous dinners and homemade treats to eat while he's zoning in front of the television. Even if his idea of a fabulous dinner includes dreaded meatloaf (apparently I make the best meatloaf on the planet although I can't stand the stuff myself). I want to take a walk with him while he holds my hand in his big paw.  I want him to brush the tangles out of my hair after I take a shower.  I might miss that even more than sex.  Nah.  But I do miss it.  I never brush my own hair when he's home.   I want him to take the kids to school in the morning because they're too spoiled to ride the bus and because he says they don't have to.  I even forgive him for that.  I'll bet he needs a haircut.  I'll do that for him.  And wax his unicorn (sic. uni-brow) (mandi called it a unicorn once when she was younger and it stuck).  I love yanking that piece of warm sugar off and then saying "oooooooh, gross".  I want to give him some Reiki to relax his back muscles.  This could go on all day.  You get the idea.