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gods of kansas
June 2009 
Gods Of Kansas
Posted on Jan 18th, 2009
by 
ayla
ayla
My mind has been so preoccupied for the last few days with thoughts of my step-son, Chris. I was married to his father (Jim) for sixteen years and he spent time with us every summer (his Mom lived in Michigan, we were in Florida). He was a great kid. Cute. Funny. He was nine when he started visiting, Derek was just a baby the first time. I enjoyed Chris so much. I was a very young Mom, in fact, there were only 12 years separating us, and he was fun to have around. I used to tease his Dad about Chris and I having less years between us than the two of us, as Jim was 14 years older than me. Chris moved in with us for about six months when he was fourteen or fifteen but he ended up missing his Mom too much, which was just as well because I didn't have a clue as to how to handle a teenager (in hindsight, does anyone?)
I slowly started to lose touch with Chris after his father and I divorced. We talked very infrequently and after his Mom died of cancer he seemed to want even less to do with me. I understood and stepped back, hoping he would come back around some day. The last time I talked to him was when Jim died. He was kind but made it quite clear that he had bitter feelings towards his father and didn't come to the memorial.
Jim was an alcoholic and he wasn't a good father in many ways. Chris felt abandoned. He told me that he thought his Mom deserved to live longer than his Dad, not the other way around. I felt sad that he hadn't been able to forgive his father before his death. Sad for Jim and sad for Chris too. It's hard to carry a bitter heart.
What started this path of thought was a youtube video! My little Chris is all grown up (I did the math and he'll be 35 years old this year! What the hey? How did that happen?) He's in a hair (80's) band . . . a rocker! I saw pictures of him with Ted Nugent. This is the straight A student who went to college, wanted to be a doctor. Then he got his pro golf card. Now he's a rocker? WOW!
I keep watching the videos, staring at him, absorbing him. He's gorgeous. He looks just like his Dad except much taller and he has dark hair instead of blond hair. His face shape, his mouth, his eyes, even his eyebrows, are inherited from his father. I see him take a swig of beer during a performance and shudder, afraid for him. And so full of love.
Rock on, Chris. Your step-monster loves you!!!! (that was his pet name for me)
I slowly started to lose touch with Chris after his father and I divorced. We talked very infrequently and after his Mom died of cancer he seemed to want even less to do with me. I understood and stepped back, hoping he would come back around some day. The last time I talked to him was when Jim died. He was kind but made it quite clear that he had bitter feelings towards his father and didn't come to the memorial.
Jim was an alcoholic and he wasn't a good father in many ways. Chris felt abandoned. He told me that he thought his Mom deserved to live longer than his Dad, not the other way around. I felt sad that he hadn't been able to forgive his father before his death. Sad for Jim and sad for Chris too. It's hard to carry a bitter heart.
What started this path of thought was a youtube video! My little Chris is all grown up (I did the math and he'll be 35 years old this year! What the hey? How did that happen?) He's in a hair (80's) band . . . a rocker! I saw pictures of him with Ted Nugent. This is the straight A student who went to college, wanted to be a doctor. Then he got his pro golf card. Now he's a rocker? WOW!
I keep watching the videos, staring at him, absorbing him. He's gorgeous. He looks just like his Dad except much taller and he has dark hair instead of blond hair. His face shape, his mouth, his eyes, even his eyebrows, are inherited from his father. I see him take a swig of beer during a performance and shudder, afraid for him. And so full of love.
Rock on, Chris. Your step-monster loves you!!!! (that was his pet name for me)
Chris is the 4th man they show in the car, the guitar player with red pants & shoulder length dark hair on the right. The lead singer is his little brother Reo.
Gods of kansas- BIG GUN
Access: Public
This is amazing. And the fact you could watch this youtube video and see him again is wonderful. I can feel your longing, your desire to be closer to him again. How beautiful that you still primarily feel that love for him….instead of anger or hurt that he’s drawn away. Blessings to both of you, Kathy
He is a handsome guy, that’s for sure. I had a similar experience (distancing) with my half brother when my father died. He told his wife, “My father died,” so unemotionally as I hung on the other end of the phone a couple thousand miles away thinking, “He wasn’t the best guy, but c’mon. He’s your dad.”
I think it’s nice you get to see him in the videos. It’s a connection for you, and maybe he is hoping that you are watching him. I really believe he can feel that you are. Maybe one of these days, the time will be right for one of you to reach out again.